Some Things I’ve Made Recently, February 2017

Forged from the fires of my squishy brain and coming straight to the screen of your digital device.screen-shot-2017-02-16-at-7-09-49-am

MEL Magazine: Nutsack Holders to Cure Your Anxiety
On late 1800s and early 1900s cures for male nervousness. Features testicular suspensors and goats that could live forever.

McSweeney’s: The One Thing You Need to Do for Success, According to the White Man Writing This Article on Medium
Because we can’t all be Tim Ferriss, but some dudes sure like to try.

And finally, Mr. Josiah P Boneman would like to send you his love:

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Introducing THE EYE (with EYE Q and A)

I am pleased to introduce THE EYE.

Q&A for THE EYE

Q: Can THE EYE tell my future?
A: YES. You WILL DIE.

Q: When will I die?
A: IN THE FUTURE.

Q: Does THE EYE make any noise?
A: THE EYE emits a high-pitched hum. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HARMONIZE WITH THE EYE UNLESS YOU ARE PART OF A BARBERSHOP HARMONY SOCIETY-SANCTIONED QUARTET OR QUINTET.

Q: Will THE EYE attend my party, art opening, comedy show, or film premiere?
A: First of all, THE EYE congratulates you on your celebratory event. THE EYE is happy to stand watch over your event under the following conditions:

  • THE EYE is not expected to speak, unless it is delivering a speech that was written by THE EYE. (THE EYE is very happy to write a speech with at least two (2) week’s notice.)
  • THE EYE is provided a beverage, a straw to drink from, AND photographic evidence of said straw existing. This photographic evidence must be emailed or texted to THE EYE at least five (5) hours before the event.
  • THE EYE is allowed two (2) guests. (When you are friends with THE EYE and THE EYE is not speaking, being a +1 can be lonely. +2 allows for two friends of THE EYE to speak to each other, although they will mostly just talk about THE EYE.)

Q: Will THE EYE critique my art/comedy/film?
A: If you care more about BEING CRITIQUED than BEING SEEN, THE EYE might not BE FOR YOU. However, if YOU CRAVE JUDGEMENT, be sure to ask for THE EYE’S E-Z CRITIQUE SHEET before THE EYE leaves your event.

Q: Is THE EYE interested in being my friend?
A: THE EYE is 100% INTERESTED in YOUR FRIENDSHIP. But DO NOT TAKE THE EYE’S FRIENDSHIP LIGHTLY. THE EYE is a KIND and FIERCELY LOYAL FRIEND whose feelings should not be MEDDLED WITH.

Q: Where can I receive more information about THE EYE?
A: Look inside YOUR OWN TRUE HEART. If that does not help, TRY THIS.

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Some Recent Writings, December 2016

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The Delightfully Disturbing Holiday Displays of Yesteryear: Complete with murder Santa!

Watching Someone Get Hit in the Nuts Has Always United Humanity: On the history of bloopers and books with “boner” in the title.

A Friendly Reminder to Pay for the Things You Care About: The problem with free*

Why Are Thanksgiving Leftovers the Only Acceptable Leftovers? With a reminder of how soulless Dagwood’s eyes are.

16th Century Meat Carvers Were Way Ahead of Your Uncle Walter: A history of men and meat carving.