In Regard to Your Pest Knowledge

Dear RELIABLE PEST CONTROL,

What’s the average lifespan of an ant/wasp/bee/snake/or rodent? I have a PEST of an undetermined AGE and SPECIES  in my house. All I know is that it is a PEST, and I want to know how soon I can expect it to DIE IN MY WALL or possibly IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR if it is being SHOWY. I asked the police to pull FINGER PRINTS off of the BOX OF CEREAL that the PEST had eaten. They said they didn’t think the prints would MATCH ANYTHING IN THEIR DATABASE, but they would add my prints FOR FREE. Thus, this day was a FINANCIAL WIN. (That is also a side tip if you want to get FREE FINGERPRINT PICTURES. Take anything you can get in this economy!!!) Anyway, please let me know if I have a RODENT, BUG, SNAKE, SPIDER, or ???????????.

Sincerely,
Glen Avondale

In Regard to Your Peanut Butter Cake

Dear ROBERT’S CAFE AND RESTAURANT,

I am writing today to tell you that I was recently DISAPPOINTED by your SERVICE. Your CHALKBOARD sign promised that your PEANUT BUTTER CAKE was OUT OF CONTROL. However, when my CAKE arrived, I found it to be VERY SUBDUED. In FACT, it was NEAT and WELL-PLATED, featuring a MINT GARNISH. The PORTION SIZE was NOT TOO LARGE, and a FRIENDLY member of your TEENAGED WAITSTAFF served it to me with a FORK and NAPKIN.

I ATTEMPTED to eat the cake with my HANDS, because if you REFUSE to actually serve me an OUT OF CONTROL cake, I will do my best to MAKE MY OWN FORTUNE like my father once told me is VERY IMPORTANT. HOWEVER!!! This merely left me with messy-but-controllable CAKE HANDS. Further attempts to EAT THE CAKE OFF OF MY OWN SHIRT and place the cake on the SHOULDER of another patron were met with a level of DERISION and AGGRESSION I would not expect from a RESTAURANT serving “””OUT OF CONTROL””” cake. My PATRONAGE is no longer YOURS TO TINKER WITH.

IN DISAPPOINTMENT,

Meg Favreau