Introducing THE EYE (with EYE Q and A)

I am pleased to introduce THE EYE.

Q&A for THE EYE

Q: Can THE EYE tell my future?
A: YES. You WILL DIE.

Q: When will I die?
A: IN THE FUTURE.

Q: Does THE EYE make any noise?
A: THE EYE emits a high-pitched hum. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HARMONIZE WITH THE EYE UNLESS YOU ARE PART OF A BARBERSHOP HARMONY SOCIETY-SANCTIONED QUARTET OR QUINTET.

Q: Will THE EYE attend my party, art opening, comedy show, or film premiere?
A: First of all, THE EYE congratulates you on your celebratory event. THE EYE is happy to stand watch over your event under the following conditions:

  • THE EYE is not expected to speak, unless it is delivering a speech that was written by THE EYE. (THE EYE is very happy to write a speech with at least two (2) week’s notice.)
  • THE EYE is provided a beverage, a straw to drink from, AND photographic evidence of said straw existing. This photographic evidence must be emailed or texted to THE EYE at least five (5) hours before the event.
  • THE EYE is allowed two (2) guests. (When you are friends with THE EYE and THE EYE is not speaking, being a +1 can be lonely. +2 allows for two friends of THE EYE to speak to each other, although they will mostly just talk about THE EYE.)

Q: Will THE EYE critique my art/comedy/film?
A: If you care more about BEING CRITIQUED than BEING SEEN, THE EYE might not BE FOR YOU. However, if YOU CRAVE JUDGEMENT, be sure to ask for THE EYE’S E-Z CRITIQUE SHEET before THE EYE leaves your event.

Q: Is THE EYE interested in being my friend?
A: THE EYE is 100% INTERESTED in YOUR FRIENDSHIP. But DO NOT TAKE THE EYE’S FRIENDSHIP LIGHTLY. THE EYE is a KIND and FIERCELY LOYAL FRIEND whose feelings should not be MEDDLED WITH.

Q: Where can I receive more information about THE EYE?
A: Look inside YOUR OWN TRUE HEART. If that does not help, TRY THIS.

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Some Recent Writings, December 2016

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The Delightfully Disturbing Holiday Displays of Yesteryear: Complete with murder Santa!

Watching Someone Get Hit in the Nuts Has Always United Humanity: On the history of bloopers and books with “boner” in the title.

A Friendly Reminder to Pay for the Things You Care About: The problem with free*

Why Are Thanksgiving Leftovers the Only Acceptable Leftovers? With a reminder of how soulless Dagwood’s eyes are.

16th Century Meat Carvers Were Way Ahead of Your Uncle Walter: A history of men and meat carving.

 

 

Delight in My Rejected Sketches at Chopping Block Comedy This Saturday

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The lovely people of Chopping Block Comedy are performing a show full of my rejected sketches this weekend and interviewing me about writin’ stuff. I’m super excited; this is some wonderful weirdness from the past several years that I couldn’t convince anyone else to put on a stage.

Join us!

Saturday, December 17 at 9:30 pm
The Pack Theater
6470 Santa Monica Blvd
Los Angeles, CA
Pay What You Can

I Have New Humor Piece Up on McSweeney’s Today

On McSweeney’s: Are You the Next Rock Star Social Media Manager Who’s Willing to Literally Die for Content?

Also, please enjoy this bonus list:

E-Juice Flavor for Vaping or Deer Attractant for Hunters?

1. Apple Swig Liquid
2. Triumph Line: Colossus
3. Big Worm
4. Tarsal Gland Hot Scrape
5. Sweet Corn Fogger
6. Pecan Pie
7. DUI: Cherry Vanilla
8. Extreme Interest
9. Steamy Nutz
10. Maple Bacon Sin
11. Sugar Beet CRUSH
12. Swamp Donkey Butter
13. Sugar Butt
14. The Milk 2
15. Berry Blow Doe

1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 11, 12: Deer Attractant for Hunters
2, 3, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15: E-Juice Flavor
6: Both