In Regard to: Your New Krispy Kreme Store

Dear KRISPY KREME DOUGH-NUT CORP,

I am writing to let you know how THANKFUL I am that you have decided OPEN A STORE in BENSALEM, PENN. I have fond memories of your DOUGH-NUTS and COFFEE from growing up in the South, and I am very excited to taste them again!!! Also, your HOOVER, ALABAMA store was the LAST PLACE I SAW MY DAUGHTER (May 14, 1985). On that day, I ate a delicious CHOCOLATE-GLAZED DOUGH-NUT. My daughter didn’t have a dough-nut because, as she said, ”’Nothing can fill the sad space.”’ Her loss!!!

Anyway, thank you for putting a new Krispy Kreme in my town. Now I have somewhere to eat dough-nuts and wait for MY DAUGHTER TO RETURN (and/or DEATH).

Sincerely,

Glen Avondale
AARP Member

 

In Regard to Your Pest Knowledge

Dear RELIABLE PEST CONTROL,

What’s the average lifespan of an ant/wasp/bee/snake/or rodent? I have a PEST of an undetermined AGE and SPECIES ┬áin my house. All I know is that it is a PEST, and I want to know how soon I can expect it to DIE IN MY WALL or possibly IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR if it is being SHOWY. I asked the police to pull FINGER PRINTS off of the BOX OF CEREAL that the PEST had eaten. They said they didn’t think the prints would MATCH ANYTHING IN THEIR DATABASE, but they would add my prints FOR FREE. Thus, this day was a FINANCIAL WIN. (That is also a side tip if you want to get FREE FINGERPRINT PICTURES. Take anything you can get in this economy!!!) Anyway, please let me know if I have a RODENT, BUG, SNAKE, SPIDER, or ???????????.

Sincerely,
Glen Avondale