I am pleased to introduce THE EYE.
Q&A for THE EYE
Q: Can THE EYE tell my future?
A: YES. You WILL DIE.
Q: When will I die?
A: IN THE FUTURE.
Q: Does THE EYE make any noise?
A: THE EYE emits a high-pitched hum. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HARMONIZE WITH THE EYE UNLESS YOU ARE PART OF A BARBERSHOP HARMONY SOCIETY-SANCTIONED QUARTET OR QUINTET.
Q: Will THE EYE attend my party, art opening, comedy show, or film premiere?
A: First of all, THE EYE congratulates you on your celebratory event. THE EYE is happy to stand watch over your event under the following conditions:
- THE EYE is not expected to speak, unless it is delivering a speech that was written by THE EYE. (THE EYE is very happy to write a speech with at least two (2) week’s notice.)
- THE EYE is provided a beverage, a straw to drink from, AND photographic evidence of said straw existing. This photographic evidence must be emailed or texted to THE EYE at least five (5) hours before the event.
- THE EYE is allowed two (2) guests. (When you are friends with THE EYE and THE EYE is not speaking, being a +1 can be lonely. +2 allows for two friends of THE EYE to speak to each other, although they will mostly just talk about THE EYE.)
Q: Will THE EYE critique my art/comedy/film?
A: If you care more about BEING CRITIQUED than BEING SEEN, THE EYE might not BE FOR YOU. However, if YOU CRAVE JUDGEMENT, be sure to ask for THE EYE’S E-Z CRITIQUE SHEET before THE EYE leaves your event.
Q: Is THE EYE interested in being my friend?
A: THE EYE is 100% INTERESTED in YOUR FRIENDSHIP. But DO NOT TAKE THE EYE’S FRIENDSHIP LIGHTLY. THE EYE is a KIND and FIERCELY LOYAL FRIEND whose feelings should not be MEDDLED WITH.
Q: Where can I receive more information about THE EYE?
A: Look inside YOUR OWN TRUE HEART. If that does not help, TRY THIS.