Dear ROBERT’S CAFE AND RESTAURANT,
I am writing today to tell you that I was recently DISAPPOINTED by your SERVICE. Your CHALKBOARD sign promised that your PEANUT BUTTER CAKE was OUT OF CONTROL. However, when my CAKE arrived, I found it to be VERY SUBDUED. In FACT, it was NEAT and WELL-PLATED, featuring a MINT GARNISH. The PORTION SIZE was NOT TOO LARGE, and a FRIENDLY member of your TEENAGED WAITSTAFF served it to me with a FORK and NAPKIN.
I ATTEMPTED to eat the cake with my HANDS, because if you REFUSE to actually serve me an OUT OF CONTROL cake, I will do my best to MAKE MY OWN FORTUNE like my father once told me is VERY IMPORTANT. HOWEVER!!! This merely left me with messy-but-controllable CAKE HANDS. Further attempts to EAT THE CAKE OFF OF MY OWN SHIRT and place the cake on the SHOULDER of another patron were met with a level of DERISION and AGGRESSION I would not expect from a RESTAURANT serving “””OUT OF CONTROL””” cake. My PATRONAGE is no longer YOURS TO TINKER WITH.